Happy Holidays

My good friend, Steve Martin (not the actor/comedian) wrote this as a reflection and I wanted to share it with y'all.

*******************

The magic moment of Christmas . . .that moment that gives each of us a glimpse of what we were meant to be.
The world has a system. The Bible calls it “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the boastful pride of life.” It very accurately describes our obsession as a culture with the pursuit of wealth, pleasure, and fame. Everyone who doesn’t have it is just another rat in the race trying to attain it.
And then Christmas happens. Even now, with all of its commercialization and the recent onslaught against Christmas from the PC crowd there is that period – for some a season and for others maybe just a single moment – that we put the world’s system aside and simply see the best in each other.

For you see, at its very core Christmas is about redemption. It’s about God breaking into our physical reality as a baby in a manger and offering us a way back to Him. And in that redemption the hope and the dignity of the human race is restored.

It is in the Christmas season that we see that hope and dignity in one another. We see that there is more to us mere men and women than the pursuit of wealth, pleasure, and fame. We see our potential for doing good, for serving our fellow man, for loving each other as God loves us. It’s that same hope and dignity that fuels the CHRISTUS Mission. At Christmas we see, even if for a brief moment, the image of God within each of us and we choose to pursue “peace on earth” and “good will towards men.”

We Americans, the melting pot that we are, celebrate many different holidays and each one has its place and should be respected. But today, on this day, I wish you more than just a Happy Holiday. I wish you and your family a very, Merry Christmas.

And in the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields, and keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. And the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for I bring you good news of a great joy which shall be for all the people; for today in the City of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in clothes, and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest. Peace on earth and good will towards men”

Merry Christmas

Why is my left arm hurting?

Have you ever stayed up late at night watching TV and you just couldn't get away from the lawyer's commercials talking about how they can get you money if you've taken a certain drug. I always think, man I'm glad I didn't take Phen-phen. But then, again, with this beautiful body, who needs it.... *cough*.

So I'm watching the 'boob tube' the other night, and I see some local law firm throw about 3 different drug names on the screen. One of them was 'Celebrex'. So I think, "Hmm, that drug is named the same as the one I'm taking for my herniated disc. ...and I dismiss it. Mainly because after seeing all these lawyer's act stupid on TV, they're just trying to scare people into giving them a retainer. Couple days later (and a couple Celebrex pills later), Starla forwards me an article. Um, ... new study shows Celebrex related to heart attack. Aw, CRAP!

You know, I've never considered myself a hypochondriac, but I sure did have trouble going to sleep after hearing that. Have you ever had to reflect on the thought that your body, the only one you will get during this life, may actually have a flaw that has the possibility of ending your life? I'm not very worried about this, but it made for a very different perspective for me. Mostly, it made me appreciate something. We all see those people on TV who have come down with a terminal disease. Like Yule Brenner. When asked if there was any message he would like to leave behind after he was gone he replied, "You must stop smoking now!" In less than a year later, Mr. Brenner was dead of lung carcinoma. Can you imagine what might have been going thru his mind? Ok, so I took some Celebrex, which was linked to heart attacks. Heart attacks are linked to meeting Jesus. ...and even though Jesus is on my top 1 list of people to meet, I'm just not ready. So, I quit taking Celebrex. Why? Am I scared? Um.. yeah!

So my question. With all the examples of people dying from cigarrettes. Why aren't more people trying to quit. (Understand that I did NOT say 'Why aren't people quitting, I said 'trying') I understand addiction. I'm not talking about people just being able to quit in a day, but I'm talking about the urgency of the issue and at least stressing over it a bit. Smoking can kill you. It killed Yule Brenner. It killed my grandfather. If you're a smoker, and you're reading this, it can kill you.

Ok, I just turned this around on myself. Why won't I put down the Dr. Peppers and fried foods. I have good examples, too. Chris Farley, Fat Elvis, John Candy, etc. Ok, so I reckon my next question is, "How do we all turn the corner to a healthier lifestyle?"

Better question - Can we do it alone, or will we 'require' the encouragement of our friends to accomplish it? Something to think about.

-Gary

Wrong Number, Pervert!

Why me? I've been good...

I've been getting calls at work for the past three days. "I'm looking for Kelly". Different people all looking for the same girl. Finally, one guy says, "I'm calling about the ad..."

Ah! Now I get it. Someone put an ad in the paper, and my number was mistakenly put in there instead. Then yesterday, I get a voicemail from Kelly (because at this point, I've quit answering the phone). Kelly apologizes for the inconvenience and informs me that they put area code 713 in the ad instead of area code 716. So I call Kelly back very early this morning rousing her from bed.

Kelly - "Hello" (Just woke up)

Me - "I'm looking for Kelly"

Kelly - (mumbles something)

Me - "Is this Kelly?"

Kelly - "This is Kelly"

Me - "This is Gary, you left me a message yesterday. Did I wake you up?"

Kelly - "No, it's ok"

Me - "I've been getting calls for your ad in the paper"

Kelly - "Oh, yeah. I'm real sorry about that. They put the wrong phone number. If people call, can you tell them the area code is 716 instead of 713?"

Me - "What kind of ad is this?"

Kelly - "Escort service"

Me - (long pause)..... well, will I get some kind of kick back for this?"

Kelly - (long pause and a confused giggle)

Me - "I'm just kidding, but now I feel like I'm a receptionist at Kiki's house of Love. You might want to make sure the paper is clear next time you go fishing for Japanese businessmen."

Kelly - (Another confused giggle)

Me - (Click)

So anyways, I'm still getting calls from these guys looking for love, but the best part is now I know why they're calling, and now I can screw with their heads. The last call I got, I convinced the guy that I was Kelly's husband and I didn't appreciate him trying to 'get with' my wife.

BWAH!

-Gary


*******Update*******

This last guy that called, I said "Yeah, this is Kelly" without disguising my voice. The guy asked me how tall I was, and how much a session was. Holy crap, it just got turned around on me. I asked him "So you like guys?", and the guy answers......

"Yeah, I like transexuals."

That will teach me to mess with them.

-Gary

Stupid Commercials

I've had it...

I can't take the stupid commercials anymore. We see them all day long on television, but are we really challenging sponsors to stop lowering our IQ's by making us watch so much dribble. Sure, many of them are local sponsors with crappy budgets, but what about the people who made the 'Menthos' commercials. Those clowns got paid to do that. How? Who paid them? How did they actually get that job? Someone is making a living off of making crappy commercials, and all I'm saying is give me that contract.

Seriously, let's put this into perspective a second. Most of you have a pretty good idea of the kind of crowd I hang out with. Ok, most of you are the crowd I hang out with, so take a minute to reflect back on when we almost pee'd ourselves over taking something stupid and made it funny. Ok, I'll give you one - I was at "The Cheesecake Factory" with my parents when they were in town on their last visit. When the bill came my dad picked it up, and after looking at the total he said (with a straight face), "What is that? ....the phone number?" Was freakin hilarious. Now apply that to a Kentucky Fried Chicken advertising account, and you've found a genius commercial.

So how do we tell people that we're sick of bad advertising? BURGER KING! What's up with putting the gay king in bed with a guy. The guy wakes up to some narrator that sounds like some cracked up pot smoker from the 60's and acts like waking up in bed with a strange guy in a king outfit is no big deal. I would have punched that king in the throat right after I pissed myself!

Ever wonder what happened to WKRP in Cincinatti? Must have gone bankrupt, because the big cheese is now a Maytag repair man that obviously has no clue on how billable hours work.

By the way, was it ever any mystery that Wal-Mart is rolling back prices? No duh! Ask any hillbilly. Which reminds me how no matter where you put a Wal-Mart you will find the town rednecks. It could be in the middle of Beverly Hills, and sure enough, here's comes Jed and granny. That's for another post...

So how do you make good commercials. Ask any beer company. They seem to do alright. "Gary - Australian for Couch potato"

So what makes a good commercial? Intelligent humor works everytime. If you don't have that, you better find some swimsuit models, or make sure someone gets kicked in the gnads. Seeing people get hurt is always funny.

Bottom line, is that I could be a millionaire if sponsers would have asked me first. Seriously Quizno's. Think about it next time you put freaky radioactive rats with AIDS on national television.

-Gary

Birthday!!

Happy Birthday, Sam!

Never refuse an outstretched hand

That's what I've been taught from my parents. If someone wants to shake your hand, shake it. ...and you better be on your feet when you do it. So I do. ...each time. If I'm sitting, I'll get my arse up.

So here's a thought I've had lately, and I definitely wouldn't mind some feedback on this one using the comments button below.

It seems that the people in my office have a problem figuring out how to use the sink in the men's restroom. If it so happens that I'm camped out in there, I can hear footsteps in, squirt squirt squirt, flush, footsteps out. HEY! Where's the running water? I don't consider myself overly germaphobic, but I won't even touch the flusher handles with anything other than the bottom of my shoe. I even open the door using the paper towels I dried my hands with. Not some of the time.... 100% of the time. If there's no trash can near the door to drop the towels in, they go on the floor. That's what cleaning people are for, and they should have put a waste can next to the door.

My point is, I won't touch anything that I know someone else has touched after messing with their wobblies. Forget it. So here's my problem. I can't refuse an outstretched hand. At the work place, it happens all the time. So I can't tell you how many times after 'greetings', I've taken a break to go wash my hands. It's almost to the point where I need to bring my own soap because my hands are getting chewed up by all the industrial soap.

I can't think of any other way to handle this, and I'm not so bold as to post a sign in front of the urinals. I guess y'all can consider this a warning for those of you reading this that work with me. ....and I hope I haven't kicked off a new phobia for you guys, but if ever I needed a support group, I don't want to be alone.

"Hi, I'm Gary, and I'm afraid of pissy hands"

"HI GARY!"

Ok, there's my rant. I'm gonna go make lunch now, but first I'm going to wash my hands because they feel nasty after typing all this.

-Gary

Fine Arts major at the Electoral College

Of those reading this, the majority is about to learn something new. Like, what in the name of 'Fred' is the Electoral College all about?

Here's the poop. Simply put, we (citizens) don't vote for a president. A designated 'elector' does. Why do we vote? Because we tell the 'elector' how to vote with our vote. Different states have different numbers of electors. There's a run down in the pic below. It's hard to see, but my point is that each state has a different number.


So here's how we get the number of designated 'electors' in a given state. A state gets an elector equal to its number of members in the U. S. House of Representatives plus one for each of its two U. S. Senators. The variations usually come based on population. Each elector gets one vote. Currently, if you (can) add up the numbers in the handy picture I stole off the Internet, you will see we have 538 electors, the majority being 270 which, as you saw yesterday, our candidate needed.

Our founding fathers had issue with a direct popular election vote. So instead, they implemented this system to prevent the possibility of election fraud, and also preventing a candidate being elected that was only well known in certain regions and totally unknown in others. If you look at the picture above, we still may find a problem with the way this is being handled. "What are you saying, Gary?" I'm saying it's possible, mathematically, for a candidate to have the greater number of votes, and lose the election. The good news is that has only happened 3 times in the history of Presidential elections. The third time was in 2000 when 'Dubya' lost the popular vote, but won the election over that boring guy whose name I forgot. Al Bore, or something like that...

So, there it is.. A system that has been around since horse and buggy, and we still use it today. My thought is that with the technological advances we've had in communications in our country, it's about time we went and took another look at how elections are done.... But then again, if we had done that before Y2K, then we would have seen this past election with Al Gore's name pasted everywhere. Maybe the system is working alright anyways.

-Gary

It's Raining Elephants

....and they're smashing all the donkeys.

I read today that a study shows that Republicans are most likely to get out and vote in bad weather. Well it's rainy in Houston and various other parts of the nation, so not only is 'Dubya' leading our country, but he's figured out how to control the weather.

So, in the words of Shirley Manson (Lead singer of "Garbage"), let me say that.....

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains

GO VOTE!! I was lucky, I had no line when I went around 9:30 this morning. I was told by the 'help' that the line was outside and around the block at 7AM this morning, so I definitely suggest going off-peak hours.

-Gary

Why the hub-bub....Bub?

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. -Dave Barry

Well, let me tell ya... I researched it.

This clock changing crap started back with Ben Franklin days. Actually he was a big influence for it in his oil lamp days. Seemed that when Benny was in Paris as an American delegate, he didn't get out much. (Gout will do that to you). He wrote an essay about an 'Economical Project'. Basically, he was bored enough to record data on how much oil was used in an evening, and how much light it produced. From there, the idea came to borrow sunlight from the morning, and move it to the evening during the summer months for longer natural light in the evening. You do that by changing the clocks. There were many concepts of how to do this over the years, and laws were made and broken on how to standardize time away from sundial reference. Finally, Britain enabled an Act in 1925 and called it 'Summertime'. After all that was settled, and people pushed for standard time zones (mainly railroads) the concept of 'Daylight Saving Time' was applied. In the time of electricity, this reduced the amount of people's electricity bills. (3.5% to 5% drop if you ask the power companies.)

Ronald Reagan (moment of silence) signed Public Law 99-359 in 1986. This changed the date to start Daylight Saving Time from the last Sunday in April to the first Sunday in April. This change to include the whole month of April is estimated in saving about 300,000 barrels of oil each year. So there's an example on how to answer the 'why' question on Daylight Saving Time.

Oh, other trivia? The word 'Saving' is used as a verbal adjective (participle). So when you hear someone say "Dayling SavingS Time", you have my blessing to poke them in the eye.

-Gary

Aron Ralston

I was watching Letterman last night and saw a remarkable kid on there. Supposedly this was Aron Ralston's second appearance on the show. Some of you may not know his name, but may have heard his story. Last year, Aron was mountain climbing in Utah and got his arm pinned by a boulder that weighed about 800 lbs. He was there for 5 days, at which point he decided that amputating his own arm was his only option to survive. He'd already taped a video good-bye to his family, but after having a forethought of picking up a child one day w/ one arm, he decided to exercise his extreme will to survive and leave his right hand behind so he could make it back alive. (His truck was about 8 miles away).

To make a decision to lose a limb is extreme, but then be faced with self-amputation makes this story more amazing. Aron's tools were a tourniquet, carabiner and a leatherman tool. I won't give any more details, but I suggest getting his book he just wrote. You can get it here. I plan to buy it. I've only gotten this much info by looking around on the Internet. The pic on the main page shows a picture that he took of himself while being stuck there. It's flipped, so when you read about his right arm, realize that picture is backwards.

Anyhow, to make this more amazing, he was showing Letterman a prothetic attachment that he uses to climb with currently. Not only has this guy survived the unthinkable, but he's rebounded to keep up his passion of outdoor life. The guy is incredible. Get his book.

-Gary

What's this world coming to?

Something happened a minute ago that made me throw out a few 'damn's, some 'hells' and even a 'Great Googly Moogly'. Sometimes things happen that make me think, what is the problem with society and all it's great injustices. Most are tolerable. I can ignore the casual "Road rage finger flip" or a "Old Lady Purse Snatch", but today I just had enough when a friend of mine (Let's protect her identity and call her Virginia Hetz) shared a devastating story with me. I'll let you read it.





Isn't that a freakin mess?

-Gary

My day in a nutshell

A pretty typical day for me. I'm sitting in my office and Halle Berry comes in and starts distracting me. It was ok for awhile, but sooner or later, I have to get some work done right? I felt bad asking her to leave. The look on her face broke my heart. .... but heck. I'm a busy guy.

-Gary

Start me up

It amazes me to think how many times I get in my truck in the AM, put the key in the the little 'turny thing', give it a twist and a few seconds later, I'm off to work. Many of us, don't care about the key giving juice to a starter, engaging the engine, pistons firing off in perfect timing to kick start the motor, before we can drive away. ...oh ...and forget about the gears moving while we're driving, that's a whole different story. Yet, we're happy to go on as Car Owners, and we make sure the oil gets changed, and the tank stays full. God handles the rest. (or a mechanic).

How about computers? We turn it on, we balance our budget, we write email, but we never consider how the machine turns little binary numbers into a complex method of data transfer. We don't understand how IP address subnetting and routing works (Well... I do), or how this data goes thru the Internet and re-translated back into some words in our respective languages. Do we care? I only do because it's my job, but other than that.... Hell no! It all just works. We put faith in so many things in our lives. The car starting, the computer working, the white line in the road will keep cars from hitting me, the sun will come up, then it will go down.

So what's my point? I don't have one... I just thought about this in my chair, and really didn't go anywhere with it, so how about I finish with a song. Wanna hear it? Goes like this....

"Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus,
goo goo a'joobt"

How about those damn 'Beatles'? They could make some crazy stuff up, huh?

-Gary

Where has he gone?

Sorry, all! I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. I'm working 12 hour days at work to secure some servers for the Dept. of Defense. It's inhumane how tight they want these things locked down. They're email servers. It's not like we're hunting down Al-Queda with them. Anyhow, it's 7:30ish PM and I'm still in the office. watching a machine reboot for the 100th time today. Last couple times, it didn't come up all the way, and now the mail is not wanting to route thru it. I thought I'd write a quick spurt on here before I close my hand in the drawer a couple times.

Later,

-Gary

What did God give you for your birthday?

I recently attended a string of Bible studies that dove into the subject of gifts. I learned a lot with the small group, and gained much more from my own reflection. That's what Bible studies are for. They get us thinking.

Have you ever thought of something that was good, but when you started telling someone else about it, it didn't seem the same? If you have, then don't ever make that argument about "I believe in God, but I don't get anything from organized religion." Matter of fact, I get a tinge down my spine when I hear anyone say 'organized religion'. It's a tired argument, and it just sounds like a substitue argument when someone really means to say, "I don't know anything about it, so I'll say what I've heard hundreds others say."

fel·low·ship
n.

1. 1. The condition of sharing similar interests, ideals, or experiences, as by reason of profession, religion, or nationality.
   2. The companionship of individuals in a congenial atmosphere and on equal terms.
2. A close association of friends or equals sharing similar interests.
3. Friendship; comradeship.
4. 1. The financial grant made to a fellow in a college or university.
   2. The status of having been awarded such a grant.
   3. A foundation established for the awarding of such a grant.

So, revisiting the time you started verbalizing an idea and it sounded different than it did in your head....

How can believers argue that 'fellowship' doesn't offer anything when it comes to their spiritual beliefs? I'm sure I'm biased. Many of you know I've had a pretty fortunate life. That would suggest that I may not know all the variables that turn people away from religion. Maybe their parents used church as a threat. Maybe it's peer pressure.....who knows? I have my theory, though. I believe for the most part, people are just comfortable. People are lazy. People enjoy sin. I got shocking news for you. I enjoy sin, myself. That's why they call it temptation. So where do I find the strength to make the choices that lean towards 'right'? I get help from my friends. I verbalize the problem with people I love, and I build strength in accountability. Have you ever dieted and thought it would be easier if you told other people so they could build you up, and at some level, hold you accountable? Well, why not do it with the most important initiative of your life, also. .....Fellowship with people who can help.

-Gary

El Smacko!

I saw an accident on my commute this morning. It was rush hour and I'm on highway 6 waiting at a light. It's a very long stack of cars taking 3 lanes of Northbound traffic. The light is about a 1/4 mile ahead of me. I'm in the right lane. The car in front of me (and the two on his left) stopped short of a side street to allow cross-traffic thru while we're waiting. It's mostly Southbound traffic turning in front of us to go east on this little street. A guy in his buick is crossing in front of us from left-to-right and I see him waving at each car as thanks for leaving the space. An emotion that is about to leave him.

I could hear the other car coming down the shoulder, and I picked him up in my passenger side mirror. People do it all the time. They want to turn right at the light, so they would rather shoot down the shoulder than wait their turn. It was a crappy little green honda. A little noisy and going about 35 mph. After just watching the Buick move in front of the car ahead of me, I watch the whole thing play out. I knew they were going to hit, I knew it was gonna be hard, and I knew I couldn't stop it. That was a wierd feeling.

The impact was explosive. Honda guy barrelled into this crash with his foot on the 'go' pedal. There were no brake lights. Both cars took an instant 90 degree turn in opposite directions away from each other. The gap they left I could have driven my truck thru sideways. The crappy little Honda started smoking from the hood immediately and filled the interior. I sat there for a moment and watched inside for movement. It wouldn't have surprised me if this guy was 'out'. After about 20 seconds, I took my truck out of gear because I thought I was about to pull this guy out of his car. (This happened less than 50 feet away from me). About the time I start reaching for the door handle, this fella's head pops up from the other side. He's standing straight, so I pull up a bit to look at the guy in the other car. He's fine, but visibly upset. I'm willing to bet, both men will be pretty sore tomorrow. The car in front of mine looked to be some kind of public official with lights in the back window of his car and he pulled over to assist, so I took my leave. But I'm sitting at my desk this morning thinking about the guy who at one moment was thanking the people letting him thru, to an instant of adrenalin and shock. I imagine he just wanted to get to work. Let's hope 'crappy Honda' guy had insurance.

-Gary

Watt? ...you ain't no light bulb!

Here's a quote for ya! Tommy Edison is quoted as saying - "If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves."

I think I would add something like, "and you'd be miserable to live with" Maybe I just mean that for myself. I would be miserable. I don't think I could handle myself after accomplishing all those "next best things". Where would I go from there. I see people looking for more adrenalin, so they risk their lives. I see people with warped senses of 'what makes an accomplishment' all over the place. Thomas Edison was no idiot, but the first message that should be said is, "If you have the ability to discern between right and wrong, then teach others the art of priority". After that, then find your drive for reaching your capabilities.

There's a reason God hasn't let me win the lottery or some talent agent found me and put me on a movie screen. I'd be a mess. I can only imagine the struggle it would take to keep myself grounded. I could see myself demanding that my dressing room have BBQ sandwiches, beer, a Playstation 2, a massage therapists, a mariachi band and a midget. ....and everything must be 'blue'. Yeah, baby! So, Tommy! In response.. If I did all the things I am capable of, then it's very possible that I'd be bored and without friends. I've found happiness where I am. I can sure set goals to be better, but I don't set myself up for disappointment if I say 'pass' on one thing for another. ...another being sleep. ;-)

In the words of Bobby McFerrin - "Don't worry, be happy.. Dooooo - do - duti - duti - dutidoooo."

-Gary

Quote of the day!

I seem to have a problem with interests. I find something new and cool out there, and I get 100% interested in it, and usually put a lot of resources into it. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's time, but it is always a passionate drive. The problem is I either run out of gas when I find the 'next' thing or I just plain ol' lose interest. Some of these have been the skydiving, online games, rappelling, wade fishing, scuba diving, etc. Lately, I went to a Art & Frame store and I bought little starter kit to do pencil sketches. (Little Artsy-Fartsy, but still pretty neat). Anyhow, back to the quote of the day which came out of nowhere this morning.

I'm carpooling in with Starla and I'm telling her about how I got interested in the "Irish Whistle" last night while watching a show on channel 8. You have to know Starla. Sweet as sugar pie, and wouldn't say anything to upset a person. But it seems as though she's been secretly shaking her head at my short-lived spurts of various hobbies. So anyways, I'm going on about how much these things are after getting on the Internet and researching these things. I can get one for around $10 bucks on Ebay if I don't care about quality, but I was looking at the good stuff that are custom made for around $300. ....and then it happened.

In the middle of my story, Starla looks over at me and with a straight face, she says "Maybe you can draw yourself one...".

(long pause)

Then here it came. Starla's victory ceremony. All of the sudden she starts laughing so hard at her joke (or maybe it was the defeated look in my eyes) that she had to root around in the truck for tissue to wipe the tears. I had nothing at this point. I was completely at a loss of words, and she won violently and swiflty with that one sentence. It was so good, I had to share....

-Gary

It's in the mail

Well, there it goes. The white envelope addressed to the "Texas Real Esate Commission". About 7 years ago my license to practice Real Estate in Texas expired, and I've regretted it for a long time. Now, however, I just did my first step in getting it renewed. I spent the past weekend in books and computer to get my educational requirements all met, and I just sent off the request to have it reviewed. In a week or so, I'll recieve a letter that will tell me I can sign up for the exam, and soon after I will be a 'Realtor' again. I won't give up on IT. It's treating me very well these days, but I will provide a bit service to those who know me by being the 'Inside Guy'.

Once, again.... Another endeavor, and another thing to keep me up late at night. Wish me luck!

-Gary

New Tooth

Well, I got my new crown in today. I fractured a tooth awhile back, and for the last couple weeks I've had a temporary crown in my head until the permanent was made in some secret underground laboratory. (??) The temp fang really was a piece of crap. It was sort of a clay tooth feeling thing that was pretty rough, and I spent each meal keeping food away from it, because I thought anything crunchy would make it crumble. Yet, nothing hurt it and today I went in and the dentist replaced it with this new, smooth, hard tooth that feels pretty cool. What surprised me, however, was how easy he popped the temp tooth out. This whole episode happened in about 5 minutes, and there was no need (in his professional opinion) for numbing. He just reached in my head with his handy-dandy pry bar and popped that dude out and started scraping away at the area to make ready for the new guy. So let me put this into perspective a bit. HE TOOK THE TEMP OUT, AND SCRAPED AWAY AT MY NAKED, NERVE RICH, FREAKING TOOTH WITH A PIECE OF METAL. The good news is that it only hurt as he was doing it. When he finished with the scraping, he then decided to permanently cement this thing to the 'half tooth' that was left behind to support the crown. Now I don't know how many of you have ever had a tooth problem, but it seems that nerves have a sensitivity to temperatures. Well guess what... The crap he used to cement this thing on was 'HOT'. Holy crap, I almost jumped out of the chair and strangled his cute little assistant simply for not warning me this was going to make me want to call Angels from Heaven to smite them all. So when I woke up.... kidding... As he finished up, they came up with this bright idea that it would be a good time for my 6 month cleaning, so away from one 'Chair-o-torture' to another. Scrape, Scrape, Poke, Poke, Floss, Floss, Rinse, Spit, Go home with Sore gums and a headache from a nervy tooth.

I've had a good freakin' day today. How was yours?

-Gary

Bear? Bull?

Well one craps in the woods, and the other in a pasture. That would have been my first reaction to my therapist if he would have asked me to do word association a few days ago, but lately I've been following up on the stock market, watching my Ameritrade account, and reading Peter Lynch's "One up on Wall Street". What have I learned? ...well... A bear craps in the woods and a bull in a pasture.

I think I would have an easier time learning Espanol than becoming a savvy stock invester. To be honest, I'm not even sure I can qualify why I want to do this. Maybe it's because gambling isn't allowed in Texas and I have a problem with 'control.' (Click Here if you think you might have the same affliction.)

I'm pretty sure there are better ways to invest my money. I'm thinking that the return of "Gary investing in the Stock Market" would lie somewhere between burying a jar in the backyard and walking into a casino run by the Native American Mafia. Even if I bury it, there's risk. I could never remember where I put my stinking keys much less several mason jars in strategic places in the dirt.

Yet, here I am. Reading up on the market, looking for that penny IPO that's going to launch me into a life of yachting, cavier and a domestic staff. Why not? $10,000 in Dell at one point could have made over $9 million over time. ...and must have for a few people who invested early. But I remind myself one thing. For people like me, the Stock Market is just a casino that hides from State law. I do have some advantages however. Stuff like; Blue Chips, diversification, ETF's (sort of a do-it-yourself diversification kit), Financial Advisors, and of course the never forgotten rule that states, "Never invest more money than you are willing to lose." I'm sure my dad said that to me first, but it has been echoed many times.

So for those people who read my posts and like to cheer me on with my endeavors, then I say to you about this one. "Wish me luck today, for the couch I may be looking to sleep on when I lose it all may be yours."

-Gary

Speaking of..

That last post made me want to say one more thing about making a change for the better. My cousin Dave had a quote on the end of his email from Abe Lincoln that said something like "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."

When I started drinking water, Starla and I decided together that we would do it for 5 days only. That gave us a short time to say, "Ok, come Sunday I'm gonna get the biggest bucket of Dr. Pepper you've ever seen." In her case, it was Coffee. The cool thing was, we made a step to get on track with a healthier habit. After our water spurt (pun intended) we sure as heck had that rewarding drink of 'other'. But as for me, it really helped me replace a large percentage of consumed daily liquid with water instead of 'poison'. ...and I know Starla is keeping water at her desk now.

So, the only thing I'd add is start small. Try it for a day. ...then a weekend. Go from there. I think you'll be happy. If I were to say anything else, it would be for the hardcore soda drinkers. Don't combine this with 'kicking' caffiene. You have about 3 days of headaches waiting for you if you do. Take Excedrin to satisfy the habit, and get used to water. After you start feeling better and healthier, then use that energy to kick caffiene.

-Gary

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis. -Margaret Bonano

Marilyn Grey

Marilyn Grey is a key note speaker who's accreditations include being a school psychologist for 29 years. She's quoted as saying "Keep a diary or daily 'win' book to record your aspirations and accomplishments. If your life is worth living, it's worth recording.

I have to say, that's a big reason I started this blog. Another reason would be, I love regurgitating thoughts into words. Another would be "I like being the center of attention", and you are my audience. (Is that wrong?) It also plays a small part in accountability. I'm finding that being a bit 'real' in my thoughts keeps me a step closer to honesty. Of course, it helps that I'm no 'evil-doer. It's not like I go around killing puppies, but I do like to explore my motivations a bit, and writing about them gives me a chance to slow down the process and meditate on who this guy is living in my head. Luckily, there's only one set of voices going on in there so far.

Anyhow, back to Marilyn's quote. I had a 'win' recently, and I just wanted to throw this out there. Feel free to hit the comments button below and let me know if y'all think I'm a wingnut or not.

I have 'discovered' the secret to feeling better, losing weight, and clarity of thought. It's a miracle cure! I take it everyday, and for the last couple weeks, I have realized major changes in the way I think, feel and act. I'm sure if I keep this up and make this a life change, I will live longer, healthier, and happier. Not only that, but it doesn't even need FDA approval. So I was thinking of taking this to the 'late night informercial' forum and making millions of it, but when I put it on paper, it just doesn't seem like the sort of thing that consumers would be happy paying me money for. Mainly, because this miracle medicine is just short of 'free' already. So why don't I just tell you now.

'Drink Water'. ....um.... did he say...? Yeah, I said it.... Drink water. You might say, "No S**t, Gary", but geez, watch the people around you and see how many people are not willing to put down the 'sodas' to take in some water. I don't get it. It's the absolute number one aid to dieting, it's great for skin, and it's free of sugar, calories and carbs. (Atkins freindly). I did this when I decided I needed to get rid of some of this Dr. Pepper that's been flowing thru my body for the last 20 years. People advised that I should drink Diet DP, stating that I would have to just do it for a couple weeks to get used to the taste. WHAT? Why would I go thru that, when I already know that water would be much easier to get used to. ....and I was right. I bought one of those Brita water pitchers that I keep full in my fridge. I'm actually craving water these days. Those filters do very well. So there's my challenge to all of you. ....and I only feel comfortable giving that challenge out because most of the people I know who read this, are people I care about. Join me in feeling better.

-Gary

Goals

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. - Samual Ullman

I'm going to turn 36 this year. I've done a lot in my life, but there is so much other stuff that I haven't done that I wish I had. My life is made up of incredible memories and accomplishments like;

- Getting my pilots license
- Skydiving
- Saving lives in the Coast Guard
- Getting a ride in some cool planes, including an F-4 fighter jet, Pitts Aerobatic and a Learjet.
- Sitting with my dad telling stories of similar experiences
- Having children
- and recieving God's grace.

For many years, however, I've always gotten down on myself for not meeting certain goals. I don't have my degree. I'm in a career that I'm good at, but not one that I love. I don't own a house.

...but one thing I've realized lately. I'm happy.

I've had a wonderful life, and now I have to remind myself that my goals should always be set to include a move to happiness. Would I be happy owning a house? Hell, I can't even decide what part of town I want to live in, and a couple years down the road, that would change anyways. No, I think I'd rather save my pennies and buy a 40' sailboat that I could live aboard when I retire. Some might say, I'm missing out on all that equity. I might say that I'm stacking away at my 403(b) with matched dollars from work, and I'm not paying more than double in Interest on a 30 year loan. (Side note - Always look at a 15 year mortgage option. You might be surprised at the small difference in your monthly and how much Interest you would save). If I buy a house, it will be used as income.

My point - Goals are very important. I suggest everyone make them. Short and Long term. But when I make my goals, I make sure they're my goals.

-Gary

Refreshed

Last few days were a nice break for me. Not only did I get some rest, but I finished that freakin 'Raven' game (sequel to Myst), cleaned my apartment, and got my desk/finances all organized. Got some groceries, and made the best chicken on my indoor grill that I've ever made. (Merinated in Italian dressing and caked w/ Lemon pepper). Steamed me up some broccoli and it was a good meal. 'slurp'.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

-Gary

Friends

I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. She doesn't live in Houston, but with the use of email and chat programs, it's always easy to stay current on each other's lives. We discuss who we're dating, if we're dating, how we're living, and whether work sucks or not that week.

Last February this friend of mine made an incredible impact on me, and this is one of many reasons why I call her a friend. An act of kindness so huge that I can say that this will be remembered for as long as my mind stays healthy or until I die. It was large and no words can describe the impact that was felt from this act.

Did it cost her alot of money? ...no

Did it require a large time commitment? ...no

Did she get hurt thru personal sacrifice? ...no

So what did she do?

....she left me a voicemail. She wanted to know if I was ok, and if I needed anything. That's it.

I could go into the details, but the point I'm making only requires me to say that I was attending a funeral after my grandmother died and the timing was right. Have you ever known people who are dealing with the death of someone that was close to them? Have you ever felt like you didn't want to interrupt their greiving at the risk of an unpredictable response? I have... but after this year, and her voicemail, I've decided that the smallest effort in letting someone know you're there is the best thing you can do for someone.

They might remember it or they might not even hear you, but it's the right thing because when they need to grab on to someone's shoulder, then 'someone' needs to be there. It doesn't always relate to funerals. It can be anytime someone is struggling. I've personally made the decision that when a friend is hurting, I will be available. ....like my friend was to me.

So specifically to my friend. "Thanks, you made a difference."

-Gary

3 day weekend (for me)

I just wanted to rub it in that I'm off tomorrow and I won't even be thinking of work. I'm thinking golf, maybe fishing. Some swimming in the pool.. Maybe a good Barbecue on the grill. Beer... Go see a movie or two. Church. That should do it. Maybe some extra fishing.

By the way, today is the anniversary of a sad day. In 1981 Charlie's Angels ended after 5 years. Man I loved Kate Jackson. Where did she go anyways? ...and why can't Farrah Fawcett disappear like that? Is it me, or does she looked stoned all the time? No matter. I have 3 days to plan out my schedule of 'nothingness'.

Peace out!

-Gary

What is your time worth?

Here's a thought... Take a minute or two and ponder on whether you could debate both sides of the issue of whether aliens from outer space are real or not.

(insert clock ticking noise here)

Ok, now tell me. How do you feel knowing that because of me, you wasted a couple moments of your life that you will NEVER get back. Ok, sure it's not so big a deal in relation to the number of years an average human lives, and all that can be accomplished in all those years. But have you ever added it up? My commute to work is about 30 minutes one-way. One hour a day. About 260 hours a year. The question I ask myself is "Am I making the best use of those 260 hours?" I haven't for years. The radio morning shows are ok, but it's not like I'm doing something productive. I could have been learning a new language, or meditating on my day and setting daily goals. I'll be honest, it's gotten better since I started carpooling with a cute girl, but there are so many other areas in my life that I can find room to do something useful.

Next question would be, "What do I consider useful?" I'm sure a lot of people have a bunch of canned answers out there for that one. There's always cause for people to preach that we should 'Get away from the TV', go exercise, spend time with loved ones, etc. Well, how about this? -Do Nothing -

Do nothing... Try it for a sec. Here's a whole bag of 'Do nothing' for ya! I did 4 days of 'do nothing' on my last vacation, and I learned that it was the best use of my time. (..and I'm not talking about sleeping. I mean relax and reflect). There is nothing in this world like getting refreshed. I'm not saying those canned options aren't good. Heck, they're downright necessary. But I believe people will always need time to deflate. You can't do that watching the news I've learned. Something was brought to my attention today. I've been having a problem sleeping at night for several weeks. After talking about it I realized exactly what I was doing wrong. The last thing I do each evening before bed is read the news on the Internet. Specifically, I read the events happening in Iraq. All of a sudden I was very aware that I spend quite a bit of time awake thinking about atrocities, beheadings, Iraqi people looking for hope, soldiers being spit on, etc. Hmmm, wonder why I can't sleep... My small point there is that you become what you surround yourself with. We've all heard that before.

So today, I've changed my routine up a bit. I'll get a short update in the morning about the war, read some other useful news about current events, and in the evening is when I'll dedicate my time for reflections like this.

To answer my question above, I've decided my time is worth a lot when it comes to spiritual growth and maturity. I could be out there living for 'Happy Hour', or 'Sleeping in till noon', but I think I'd much rather spend that time in a hammock reading a book or working on a casual hobby. What's my time worth? It's worth my sanity.

I'm starting to get feedback from many of you who read these posts and it's encouraging to know that my thoughts are out there for my own taste of 'peer accountability'. Thanks for all the words of encouragement.

**I've been given this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is important because I'm exchanging a day of my life for it. -Author Unknown.**

-Gary

Something my dad said...

...keeps replaying in my mind lately. He said, "Your momma always took up for you." He was right. This was how she became my tee-ball coach in Astoria. The first coach wasn't doing well (nicely put), so the parents stepped in and my mom took control of the team. Ok, it's not like we were professional athlete's, but that's a big deal for a 7 year old. I was 'instant cool.' ....and first baseman. (Thanks mom!)

On my vacation in Oregon, I just wanted to share something she did for me. She recently went a few rounds in the ring against Pneumonia. While recovering, a suspected virus stepped in and left her in a constantly exhausted state. I would venture to say she's resting in bed more than 50% of the time. She's getting better, but she had to stop working from all this.

Anyhow, to the good part. That background was important. While I was there, I was amazingly blessed with good weather. Oregon likes the rain, so my hopes weren't great for super weather, but looking forward to seeing the 'town of old'. Most of each day was spent doing the touristy thing, and while I was winding down in the evening, I always wanted to head over to the beach, a short drive away. The sky was amazing each evening, and I recommend to everyone that you go see a West Coast sunset before you die. I was given two amazing ones. So one evening, I'm wanting to go over there, and I wasn't exactly clear which beach access road would be best for something like that, but mentioned I would like to go over there and get pictures anyways. Well, this is where a big effort could get confused by most for not being so big. My mom told me she would come show me and also that she would most likely sit in the car while I walked the beach and got some pictures. It turns out, she didn't sit in the car, but instead walked with me and helped me find Sand Dollars to bring back with me. I don't know if I can put into words the effort she really put into making sure that my short vacation was as relaxing as it could be, but I will say that I hold a better appreciation for her each year that I live as a parent. I'm very lucky to have her.

Mom, I love you and I wouldn't change a thing about the last 35 years. (Except maybe that car ride to California in '86- Ouch)

-Gary

I saw a quote today..

It said, "If you're anticipating the worst while hoping for the best, you will usually get the worst. Imagine the best, expect the best and you'll usually get the best." - Dan Zadra

My first thought was, "What a load of horse crap!" I haven't had my second thought yet, but still processing it, so stand by.

Most people tell me that I have really well behaved kids. I'm pretty proud of them when they meet people for the first time. I almost always get remarks about them. They are very well versed with the 'Yes Sir/No Ma'am's' and they both own the ability to do what they're told the first time it's said. If they ask for something, they are almost always satisfied with the first answer. (rare these days).

I've been asked, several times, how I raised two good kids, and I never hesitate to say "You gotta beat them!" Of course, those who know me realize I'm joking, but people not so familiar with me always give me that look like they processing in their mind "Is he serious?" Maybe it would help if I smiled when I said it, instead of giving them the 'crazy eyes' and deepening the tone of my voice. When they ask me the "No... really...." question, I just say 'be consistent'. Not everyone jumps to compliment however. I'm pretty surprised at the number of people who say I'm too strict with them. Strict? Now I'm thinking in my head... "Are you serious?"

Of course, that made me look it up. (As you will see in many posts, I'm a friend of the dictionary)

strict ( P (strkt) adj. strict·er, strict·est
1. Precise; exact: a strict definition.
2. Complete; absolute: strict loyalty.
3. Kept within narrowly specific limits: a strict application of a law.
4. Rigorous in the imposition of discipline: a strict parent.
5. Exacting in enforcement, observance, or requirement: strict standards.
6. Conforming completely to established rule, principle, or condition: a strict vegetarian.
7. Botany. Stiff, narrow, and upright.

So I'll start by saying that I didn't go to school for 8 years to get in the minds of every child in this world and Dr. Spock, but I'm going to share my opinion on this with the mindset of "You gotta be smokin' crack to disagree." So here we go...

Kids throw fits. It's nothing new. It's been around since the early ages when man first invented 'candy aisles'. Crying, wailing, flopping around like a fish in the boat, piercing cries and the occasional kick in the shin. So why are kids so different these days? Here it comes.... Are you ready?....

"They don't know how to handle disappointment!"

Holy crap! New revelation? Hardly, but it never fails to amaze me when I read a quote like the one above. It makes me say, "That's great for Paris Hilton, but let's try to apply something like that to an average person's life." You wanna see disappointment? Look at a spoiled person when they don't get what they want. The problem is they've subscribed to the above quote. When I go into something that can go either really good or really bad, I almost always say, "Hope for the best, but don't be surprised by the worst". Why would I do that? Because no matter what happens, I'm not totally heart broken when something fails. Where did I learn that? Well if you remember in my article about 'Wants and Needs', I mentioned a little piece of grass where a teacher made me sit down because I didn't mind her. Let me tell you about that. Our class went on a Field Trip to a old gun battery on the Pacific coast of Oregon. I was in 2nd grade. (The Battery Russell used in WWI to guard the coast from enemy ships). The battery had two floors. First floor was storage and crew stuff, and the upper level was more like a roof where the gun used to be. Steps leading up. We all buddied up, and the teacher gave us the rules. Hold hands and don't go upstairs. (Because it was dangerous and there where holes to fall into). All I heard was, "Hold hands and blah blah blah". Well, little Gary right from the 'GO' started heading for the stairs. My buddy was pulling me back, and I'm saying "C'mon. Lets go up here." I'm on the second step when the whistle goes off in a deafening blast. Fast forward 2 minutes, and my arse is parked on the grass while I'm watching all my friends climb over this magical piece of concrete. It sucked eggs, big time.

I truly believe that it was times like those that gave me the tools I needed to be able to handle disappointment better. I think it was those lessons that showed me that the worst isn't really that bad of a thing. "Expect the worse" may even be a little strong, but I can definitely ensure that I'm not surprised by the worse. I don't live in Mr. Rogers world of make believe, so sorry if I don't buy into the whole "you'll usually get the best" crap. I've got news. No you probably won't. We will get disappointments until our spoiled butts are lessoned into shape. I love my kids more than anything, but one thing I will always allow them is the experience of dealing with a problem. It's not always easy to watch, but it does them more good than giving them that candy bar just to shut them up. Who are we helping when we do that?

Beyond that, happiness is a choice. Life isn't bad at all. All these lessons to make us better are by design. My goal is to smile thru them all.

-Gary

ps - Beat your kids! They're getting away with something right now while you're not watching them. (Note to my parents - just kidding. I'm being very good)

September's Coming

I wrote this on the first anniversary of 9-11. I've been hanging on to it as a reminder, so thought it would be good to post here. I originally sent this to several friends and family on that day. As I keep reading in the news about terrorism in IRAQ, kidnappings and struggles, I find myself returning to the things I'm thankful for.... Like being safe at home.

*********** (9-11-02)

As the anniversary of 9/11 got closer, I noticed that the volume of emails I received that dealt with last years tragedy increased. I’ve seen, and forwarded, several emails relating to patriotism, family values and God’s position during these times of terrorism.

Today, however, I just want to send one email that’s a little more personal. I’ve blind copied several friends (some old, some new) and family, so by receiving this, I consider you someone who has either touched my life in the past, or someone I know that shares a common belief in God.

Without any doubt, we will be showered by media today about last years events. On the radio this morning they had a moment of silence. I picked up a fellow employee that’s in town at his hotel this morning and we spent the 30 minute ride talking about where we were when we heard the news last year. I’m sure we all remember the details. Walking in the door, however, is when it hit me the most. We have a memorial in the lobby that lists over 3000 names of people lost last year. My reaction is what surprised me the most. I actually tried to avoid looking at it. I didn’t know anyone who died last year and I didn’t want to see a name. If I didn’t see a name, then I didn’t have to think about the life attached to it. Trying not to look, and not looking are two different things. My body stopped to look at it before my mind decided to do it. I do the same thing driving by car accidents. Don’t really want to see anything, but natural born rubbernecker.

My point of this is that it’s easy to detach from events as long as they don’t happen to us. I’ve learned that I’m given an opportunity to enjoy life, and I find it’s easy for me to take that for granted. Many days I walk around pissy about something that’s stressed me out, and I forget that life is better than I deserve. I’ve never really been hungry. I’ve never had to worship God in private because being found would mean me going to prison. I’ve never had to pick up a gun and defend my life on U.S. soil. I’ve never had to jump out of a window because it was better than burning. I’ve learned that life is made up of lessons and if we look close enough, then we can realize that there is a God, and He’s present for all of us.

Last year, churches realized record numbers of attendance after 9/11. Many people came to know God closer. Today, I would urge all of us to append that to the overall meaning of this anniversary. It’s hard to say ‘why’ anything happens that’s so horrible, but we can’t just focus on all bad if any good comes from it.

I guess my personal note to each of you is that life is best if we can give up control. If we have a God that 1) loves us 2) knows what’s best for us, and 3) has the power to make anything possible, then how can we sweat the details. Our time can be better spent appreciating what we do have? Today, I appreciate all of my friends/family that share the common thing that brings us peace. -God

A year from now...

...you may wish you had started today.

Is it my age? I've had some recent bad luck with my back and my recovery time seems to be slowing down noticeably. I wanted to go to Vermont this year and hike the 270 mile 'Long Trail' from Massachusetts to Canada, but this injury really set me back on my road to getting in shape. So instead of cancelling, I decided to wait one more year, get healed, get in shape and make another stab at it next fall. I'm shooting for September 2005.

So, a year from now, I'm definitely going to be saying "I'm glad I started last year". Today, I'm still stretching every morning just so I can stand up straight for the rest of the day, but my back is getting stronger and I've committed to working out at the company gym, and start taking long weekend walks (10+ miles). Water is my friend, and who knows, I might even cut carbs with the rest of those Dr. Atkins lemmings. As I get closer to the goal of being able to walk up and down mountains without crying, I'll keep you all updated on the progress. Wish me luck!!

-Gary

Need a good cry?

I was emailed this and I haven't laughed this hard in awhile.

***email*** (author unknown)

Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, “hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note:Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and i! t will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular modelwould not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to causemuscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

(Once again, 'author unknown' and no, it wasn't me)

Dont tread on me.

My name is 'Generic Christian'. I drink beer. I cuss when I'm angry, and I stare at the models on the magazine rack when I'm in line at the grocery store. I do things wrong AND I believe in God. Don't be scared... I won't throw chicken bones at you. But how many of you already called me a hypocrite?

Some people reading this will agree with my belief that there is a God; a creator who has a plan for us. I know several people who are on the absolute opposite end of that subject. The people I call friends range everywhere in between. I think it's peculiar how many people are quick to spout out about palm readers, kharma, luck, etc., but when you mention God, the shields go up automatically. I'm sure people find my beliefs just as peculiar, but I often question why some of these people have such strong opinions about something they know so little about. I've heard people describe Christians as 'hypocrites'. I'm sure much of this has to do with the irresponsibility of televangelists, and the media. I've known several well-spoken, well-read, normal people who have a strong relationship with the Lord and thier beliefs. However, television has a tendency to react the same way with religion as they do with tornadoes. "Lets go find the dumbest hillbilly affected by this, and interview them. Then the whole world will stereo-type those kind of people as tornado targets and cult members."

Stereotypical Football player interview, "I would, first of all, like to thank God, my momma, my agent, and God. I'm just so happy and blessed to stand up here and talk in broken grammar with missing teeth and give props to the almighty for giving me the talent to blow out my knees and retire and go bankrupt all before my 35th birthday. ...and I'd like to thank God, too. God Bless. Please someone show me how to get to the locker room from here."

Let's really get down to the nuts and bolts of what 'hypocrisy' really is.

hy·poc·ri·sy (h-pkr-s) n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies
1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
2. An act or instance of such falseness.

Ok, so yeah. I get it. One that preaches, "Don't SIN!", then goes out and sins. Well correct me where I missed the boat. I've been going to church, bible studies, small groups, etc. long before I was old enough to walk, and one thing I've always learned was; "Gary, you're a sinner and you always will be!" Was I told not to sin? No way.. I was told to make an effort to imitate Jesus Christ, and walk as much in the light as I could. I was given opportunities to learn lessons to help me down that path, but I was never told, "Gary, be perfect or you're going to hell!". My point is, Christians sin. I speak for many believers when I say, "I'm not a hypocrite when I go out and get road rage at all Houston cabbies and wrecker drivers." The difference between a non-believer and me is not the ability of being perfect. The difference is that I was taught that my imperfections are forgiven. I've never seen Heaven, and God has never come down to my bedroom and written on the wall that it exists for me when my heart stops beating. But, the lessons I've learned through 'faith' and the historical writings in the Bible have shown me that it's worth shooting for, and that faith gives me hope. Seriously, what's the harm if I'm wrong? You all should be happy Christians play by rules that promotes generosity, selflessness and charity. I know some beliefs that are using their warped sense of religion to behead hostages.

Realize, I'm not making a blanket statement against all non-believers. I have a good friend who is an atheist. She's someone I respect for her resolve, fairness and overall friendliness and respect for others. She knows what my beliefs are, and she never crosses the line with blatant uneducated remarks. We may jest about it occasionally, but it never hurts our respect for each others stance. I have no idea what her motivation may be for her exceptional character traits, but I respect that it's working for her.

What works for you?

-Gary

Wants and Needs

I've had several recent discussions with a close friend of mine about the differences between wants and needs. I want to pay my light bill. I need a Dr. Pepper. (My usual warped sense of mad prioritization). I think if I can get a handle on appreciating when needs get met as much as my wants, I will sleep much better at night.

I just came back from 4 days vacation with my parents in Seaside, Oregon. A small coastal town about 30 minutes south of Astoria. I just revisited my stomping grounds from 27 years ago. I went to Astoria's elementary school my first and second grades. (If you've seen Kindergarten Cop, you've seen my school). I walked around several vague memories and took several pictures of places that seemed silly for most, but were actually a few of the clear memories that seem like snapshots in my mind. For 27 years, Astoria hasn't changed much. Things are just smaller than I remember. (I was 7-8 years old). I took a picture of the small baseball field where I played tee-ball. I made sure I got the Dairy Queen in the background, where our coach (my mom) took us to get Ice Cream when we did well. I took a picture of an old gun battery where I remember going on a field trip. I made sure I got a shot where I had to sit on the grass because I didn't mind the teacher. It was a negative memory, but still a memory. One of the neatest things about running around, however, was the day I was eating lunch with my dad, and I could see a Coast Guard Helicopter doing touch and go's at the Air Station across Youngs Bay. When I was small, my dad was a Corpsman at that Air Station and we still have newspaper clippings of when he made the paper by helping injured people get medical attention. Astoria, to me, is a place where I realized my father was about 5 feet taller than anyone else's dad. I had a hero that wasn't in a comic book. I ate dinner with him every night. 27 years later, I'm having seafood pasta with him in the same small town where those memories are being refreshed with real images. I'm glad Astoria hasn't changed much from what I remember. My parents see more changes than I do, but from what I remember, it still held the greatest things it had 27 years ago. The Astoria Column, The Columbia River, my elementary school, and a nearby hero who saved the lives of people who probably never knew his name. I know his name. It's HMC George Baker USCG - Retired. To me it's "Pop".

I want to re-live those days, but I need to set my goals and give my kids the memories that my parents gave me.

-Gary