I Should Have Kept the Dream of Being a Hobo

Ever have one of those days at work where you can't get anything done because of the interruptions? It's been that kind of week, and I've come to the decision that it's time I start shutting my office door, getting away from Instant Messaging and start sending phone calls to voice mail just to get the stuff done that needs to get done. Why can't I have a job where I can have some fun? Basically, that's the complaint I tell the wall every night when I get home. I need a therapist. ...or a dog.

I'd get a dog if it wasn't for allergies. I grew up with dogs. Always did pretty good. Maybe because I used to get allergy shots. But now that I'm older, it seems they just tear me up. Whoever invented allergies needs a good butt whoopin.

It's been a long day, I'm going to bed.

-Gary

Nothing to Sneeze At

I've never really looked at sand as something artistic, rather just something I shake out of places I can't mention after going to the beach. This isn't bad, though.

Clicky!

-Gary

Yoga Shmoga

So, I'm looking into Yoga thinking that it couldn't hurt. After a quick Internet search, I find the technique I want to master. "Asanas with Props"

I circled text that reads "This version of the posture requires considerable strength in the neck, shoulders, and back, requiring years of practice to achieve. It should not be attempted without supervision".













So, I invite some buddies over to loosen up with me and it wasn't long before we mastered it. <-Clicky

-Gary

La oda al Acura (Change 2)

(Inspired by Carolina)

This is her. She lives in Argentina and even though English is a second language she can write it better than me even though it's my first. Basically, I'm illiterate in several languages, and she's mastered 2 that I know of.














***** Ok, so anyways, Carolina read this after my initial translation and, of course, mine was a word for word translation, so out of the kindness of her heart (and a little passion for languages) she translated the original for me. Goes, as follows *****

...AND THANK YOU CAROLINA

Ah, Acura. ¡Cómo adoro le!

Con tu espejo roto
.. y tu lado arrugado
Las chicas lindas pasan
Y quieren esconderse

lo que me recuerda…
alguien vio mi orgullo?

Seguro que no te van a robar
No necesito comprar una alarma
Y si quiero aire acondicionado
Te pego fuerte y listo (no miento)

El polarizado es viejo
Apenas puede verse al otro lado
Casi choco a una anciana
Hubieran visto sus ojos!

El volante esta golpeado
Los burletes hacen ruido
Debería dejarle el auto a mi sobrina
Para evitar que se le acerquen los chicos

Por qué necesito este cacharro?
Es una montaña de bosta
Pero, esta carreta
Solo necesita un galon por milla

Por eso, me voy a comer el orgullo
Y voy a vivir con el auto
Es un orgullo económico
Esperemos que aguante

Entonces lo trato realmente bien
Esperando encontrarle una cita
En el trabajo hay un bmw
Creo que harían buena pareja

Cuido mi andar
No puedo ser un tarado
Por eso lo estaciono cerca
Cuando voy a trabajar

Este es mi mensaje para ustedes entonces
Que andan en autos bonitos
Su auto no los quiere
Tanto como el mio me quiere a mí

¡Así que lo atasca!

-Gary del Sexy

Why Beth is a Good Fishing Buddy

She won't scare away the fish...














-Gary

How to Calm Down Children

First you take them to the middle of the lake and throw them in. Then you give them each a rope and have them play 'Tug-O-Boat'.

Let them compete on which one can pull the boat the furthest.
















The scary part is neither of them realized we were anchored and were doing no good whatsoever. I'll tell them when they wake up from their 4th nap of the day.

-Gary

Sweet!!!!

So, me and Halle go fishing again this morning because last weekend sucked real bad. Well, of course, God loves me, so I had much better luck catching the fishy's as seen in the pic above.

It wasn't long, however, Halle started complaining about having to bait her own hook, so I got tired of that real quick...

Oh, and Mike Gendrich joined us and caught two fish that looked just like mine, and it's totally a coincidence that we dressed alike, and in no way was the above picture doctored in any way, shape or fashion.


















-Gary

Been a Bad Week

First, the kids and I go fishing with Pete...














This would normally be a good thing, but the biggest fish we caught I could have fit in my kids nose.














Next, the nice fridge upstairs dies. I found out by walking up the stairs and the stench hit me on the top step. Opened the fridge to see a few hundred dollars worth of food, shrimp, steaks, etc ruined. This was about 3AM so filled 3 large yard bags with food and put them outside for the trashmen who had another 2 days before they came around. I guess the good news there is that I found every cat in the neighborhood and made $48 in reward money. (I wish)

Oh, and to top it off, when I pulled the fridge out to unplug it, ruined the tile in the kitchen.














...and then, to top everything else off, I get a serious case of the crud. Been hacking up lung scoob since Sunday. It's been fun..

How was your week?

-Gary

Ode to the Acura

Oh, Acura.. How I love thee!



With your broken mirror
..and dented side
Hot chicks drive by
I want to hide



Which reminds me..
Seen my pride?

Sure you won't get stolen
I need not buy an alarm with a 'siren'
But if I want Air conditioning
I have to hit you with a 6 iron (not kidding)

The window tinting is old
It's hard to see outside
I almost hit that lady
Boy, her eyes got wide

The steering is shot
The fanbelts make noise
I should give this car back to my niece
To help keep away boys














Why do I need this heap?
It's dog crap in a pile
If that darn truck of mine
Didn't drink a gallon per mile



So, I'll swallow my pride
And live with the car
It's an econimical ride
Let's hope it goes far

So I treat it real good
Hoping to find it a date
There's a bmw at work
I think would make a good mate



I take care of my ride
I can't be a jerk
So I park him near her
As I go to work



So my message for you people
In nice cars that I see
Your car doesn't love you
As much as my car loves me...

So stick it!

-Gary

Where do Parties Come From?

From Mommy and Daddy Parties, of course.

I think I need to have a party to help clean up from the last one. This was leftover from Saturday. Poker anyone?








-Gary

"Crawfish-a-palooza"

Yesterday was a bad day to be a crawfish at Lake Conroe.

(Click on any picture to see it bigger)
































-Gary

iGary

Got me an iPod finally. Now that they're no longer in style, I figured it was time. I'm obsessed with the stinking thing. I got the latest one that plays videos with a black face. It looks really snazzy and I'm glad I didn't get the 60GB, I'm finding that 30GB is gonna get hard for me to fill. I have 267 songs on there right now. (They say it will hold 7,500) I think 5-6 of them are actually legal, and a couple videos that I just had to have.

And yes, the video functionality has almost got me killed on I-45 coming home the other night. I should have never downloaded 'The Pussycat Dolls' video. I still can't believe I crossed 2 lanes without knowing it. But seriously, those girls are fine.

I did mow the yard with the iPod in my pocket yesterday. I was totally oblivious both times I stepped in ant beds.

iLove that dang iPod...

-Gary

Filosofía de Alwell

Here's the poop... Sam gave me a few philosophical topics for me to remark on, so let's go thru them.

Let's disect this one first. "It's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts". I can knock that down in one simple exercise. Follow me here -

Who I have. Hmmm, not bad. Good start, focuses on the people in my life. We know that people in our lives can be good or bad for us, so there's a good chance that how we feel on a daily basis depends on who... Wait a minute.. Are we saying my happiness is predicated on those around me? Shouldn't I be able to control whether I'm content in life. Isn't it a decision? NO!! It's not, and if you believe that, you're nuts. We're human, and we tend to fall into the same habits of those around us. If we're around miserable people, chances are we're gonna fall into miserable habits. So yes, "Who I have" is pretty important. However, let's look at the 'whats' and see where that takes us.

What I have. More importantly, is there a latin name for it. What you have can be material things, but if you're in the diner and say to someone "Guess what I have", they're response may be, "Have you seen a doctor for it?". This can also be easily followed by - Where I have it. When did I get it? Is it contagious? All very important questions that need answering before realizing that the 'who' you have items really hinge on 'what' you have. Thus, I conclude that 'what' you have is more important than 'who' you have, and if you can't get rid of the 'what' you have, then you really won't get too many 'whos' that want to mess with your 'what'. (You can quote me on that)

One philosophy down - Let's tackle another one.

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" I'm not afraid of this one, either. We have 5 senses. Sight, sound, taste, smell and touch. Lingerie feeds just about all of them especially if they're edible, so losing one single sense doesn't totally eliminate the joys of lingerie. That philosophy is debunked easily. I will add however, that lingerie doesn't do much for me, and I truly believe the benefit is for the female who feels sexy while wearing it. A woman's view of herself is very important for her sensuality and for the men reading this, don't take that for granted. Make her feel beautiful everyday. NEXT!

"Why is the best place to be alone in a crowd?" - Easy one. When we want to be alone, it usually means we want to get away from something that's bothering us. Sometimes being alone is just an excuse to excuse yourself away from another situation. Crowds can be comforting, unless your an 'Agoraphobic' in which case, crowds cause you to be anxious, and you should really seek professional help. Crowds bring so much entertainment, and use almost zero brain power to enjoy. I've never met anyone that didn't like to people watch, and to really get down to it, if there's a crowd, there's a reason for it. Where there is enjoyment, people will be drawn to it. Crowds just scream out "FUN HERE! Get Some!"

Ok, last one - "Instead of loving our enemies, shouldn't we just treat our friends a little better?" Luke 6:27 But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you (If you want to fight God on that one, go ahead, I'm staying out of it) Nuff said.

-Gary

Body Snatchers

I read an article that said people are stealing body parts and selling them to hospitals. So, I'm thinking.. "What an idiot, I've been!" All this time trying to find the perfect woman, and I could have built my own.

Of course, these parts come from already dead people, I wonder how I'd turn the switch on. Kind of like restoring a classic car, then putting a cracked engine block under the hood. I reckon, I'll have to attach a couple metal knobs to her neck. I'll get my grandma to knit a couple nice covers for them.

I'll keep y'all posted on my progress. As I get better at this, I may actually become a 'Used Body Lot'.

"COME ON DOWN TO GARY'S USED BODY LOT! All my inventory has got to go! My sales manager harvested way to many corpses and we've got acres of men, women and midgets that I have to move this weekend! It's our month-end blow out!"

Buy two full-size, get a midget free.

- Gary Bakerstein

Those Catholics sure know how to Party!

It's Mardi Gras time!! Time for drinking, fighting, getting arrested, flashing breasts and general hedonism. Why? Because those Catholics are just so hard to control.

Um... What?

Ok, maybe it's not just the Catholics, but I like to pick on them because I know it bugs my buddy Marc. I'm sure now that I've put this on the Internet, the Pope's goons are gonna come find me and pummell me for 7 hours straight, but am I really the only one that see's the problem with the fact that Mardi Gras really came about by people's last 'hurrah' before starting lent?

Lent ( P ) (lnt) n. The 40 weekdays from Ash Wednesday until Easter observed by Christians as a season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter.

Uh oh.. Now I'm stepping on toes. First, I'll start with the fact that this isn't celebrated by all Christians. Predominately, it's covered by Presbyterian, Methodist, Lutheran, and Anglican denominations, by Roman Catholics, and by Eastern Orthodox Churches.

Hey, wait.. No one said Baptists. WHERE'S THE BAPTISTS?

Here I am. Never celebrated Lent, and really can't give you a compelling reason why I don't other than, mainstream Baptist churches like the one I was raised in gave up Lent somewhere around the 16th Century. It was determined that it was a holiday created by the Romans, and there's much debate on that.

Hmmm, so where does that leave me? Well, I tell you where it doesn't leave me. You won't find me in New Orleans or Galveston drinking away my liver, flashing my nads for beads and parading around in giant feather hats doing my best to look like a cross between Elton John and a giant Parrot on crack. My suggestion to you drunks who like to party on Mardi Gras... Go have your fun, but leave Christianity out of it. If it's a 'hurrah' you want, don't do it because you're about to embark on a 40 day religious journey to be closer to God. Just admit that you're doing it because you're raggidy, low-down, no good party animal. Don't be scared.

For those of you who are sincere about the 40 weekdays of Lent, do some research. I find few people who actually know the origins of Fat Tuesday and Lent and fewer people who actually relate the two.

-Gary

Stupid weather

3 days ago, I woke up and it was 34 degrees outside. Today, it got up to 70 degrees and I took the boat out on the lake. Did I miss one of the polar caps melting or something? Freaky arse weather...

We had some rain for the last few days. My cousin Elaine is in. We took the boat out to the island and walked around the sandy part looking for treasure. It was my idea. The lake is down about 5-6 feet, so I figured I could go out there and find someone's lost ring, necklace or some other valuable trinket. I found a rusty nail and Elaine found a golf ball. So I guess I have to keep working for a living. ...crap!

Finished the day with Chinese delivery and a '48 hour' marathon on television. I've decided I won't change careers to be a hired assassin. Those detectives seem pretty bright. Screw that, plus I think maybe that market is flooded with contractors. Get it? Contract killers? It's a play on words. Ok, that's my cue to go to bed. It's 3:20AM. I should be dreaming by now.

-Gary

Your Claws are Showing

I watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof the other night. Strange movie, but I couldn't turn it off. I found it strange how fast Neuman sobered up at the end. Maybe telling your dad he's worthless as he's dying will do that to ya. What a punk. I'm not eating your salad dressing anymore.

We had a pizza party at work today. For some reason, a survey said we were all very engaged in our work as we scored very high. The company showed their appreciation by raising my cholesterol and grease intake. Very nice of them. I think I'll steal less office supplies this week in return.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I played paintball, and to describe the close call I had with one paintball taking me out (in the words of Maxwell Smart), "Missed it by that much!" I was a flinch away from becoming a eunuch. I think I'm gonna buy a cup next time I decide that paintball is a fun pastime.

-Gary

I Need a Filter

At dinner the other night someone said "Fruits and Nuts". I turned to the only gay man at the table and said "...but no offense". He laughed and called me a 'bitch'. There were 8 of us. We ate Sushi. All the waitresses wore flip-flops and the check was way too much for what I ate, but it was a good group of people. I didn't know one couple, but she must have been comfortable enough around me to breast-feed her baby at the table. This was after her and her husband downed a bottle of wine, and she ordered one more glass. 2 hours later the baby was singing show tunes and dancing on the table without a bib. I was thinking I could get a good price for that baby on the black market, then dismissed it and ate another piece of eel. I must have been allergic to something. By the time I got home, my left eye was swollen. I took an allegra and went to bed wondering if my swollen eye affected my depth perception on the drive home. Maybe I'm just a lucky guy.

-Gary

Ms. Samantha

(In reference to my previous post, I must back paddle. Sam is my buddy that lives in Louisiana and totally marrying a doctor at which I have yet to approve of)

**Groveling starts here** I love Sam and her cat. I'm sorry... I don't hate cats... Your's are great. You're so pretty. I wish the world could be filled with people like you and your cat.



Recapping Love Sam, I suck, Love Cats, Sam's pretty, World full of Sams and her cat.

-Gary

My thoughts on...

Politics - What happened to all the smart people in the world. We have genius people running major corporations, military branches, and think-tankers out there. Why is it so hard to get someone of that caliber to run for office?

Religion - I've never seen a world of so many people ready to call 'Christians' freaks and hypocrites with absolutely zero knowledge of what Christianity is or what the Bible contains. Know what? I like the Bible and agree with it. I wish I could be a better follower of the rules, yet I still get a little happy seeing boobies on TV. That's how it works, people. Everyone is low-down, no good and deserves hell. The difference is 'I'm forgiven'. You can keep calling me a hypocrite, because chances are I won't stop calling you an idiot.

Homosexuality - It's not natural, but neither are Hostess pies, McNuggets, Spice Girls, blatant profanity, road rage, Pam Anderson's jugs, Howard Stern's success, divorce, karaoke, illegal MP3 downloads or eating that crap on 'Fear Factor'. You won't catch me being gay, but I know a few people who are. They're good people. Some are friends. But know what? You probably enjoyed something else in the rest of the list I mentioned above. I know I have. Be tolerant!

Owning cats - What's the point?

Owning dogs - If anyone ever needs a lesson in 'unconditional love', the dog should be the example. Dogs rock! ...plus, they eat cats. That's bonus.

Models dating ugly rockers - I have NO idea what's going on there. They don't need the press or the money. Someone explain that one to me.

Racism - I can't wait for a Black President. Maybe all those hillbilly pig kissers in the KKK will leave this fine country in boats and drown when they realize you can't get to France in an aluminum bass boat running on moonshine.

Noisy babies in restaurants - Let them wail. It's a public restaurant, and I guarantee the parents needed the break from cooking.

Noisy babies in movie theaters - It should be legal to shoot the parents that brought them.

Modern day cartoons - I have no opinion on things I don't understand. Now, a coyote ordering death machines from ACME? ..That stuff made sense. What the hell is a Yu-Gi-Oh?

Breast feeding in public - Do that crap behind closed doors. Yes, it IS natural, but so is pissing, and the judge didn't seem to have a sense of humor about me doing that on the bench in the mall, did he?

I'm gonna stop writing now. I've got to go vote for gay priests breast feeding ugly rocker babies in a movie theater watching Static Shock on Saturday morning.

...I'm for it!

-Gary